Elecson hain Bhai..!!

The flavour of this month has been the 15th Lok Sabha elections. For a change this time there has been more awareness about the entire process of electing our netas. Many questions have been asked, some have been answered, some plain ignored. How successful all this awareness will be needs to be seen. The turnout in the elections would prove that. Cinestars like Aamir Khan are telling us ki "Acha Chuno..Saccha Chuno".

Now being a responsible citizen I have had doubts. What are the qualities that one needs to have to become a good politician? Now here is a ready reckoner for all those interested. Those of you who want to stand as independent candidates, have thrown a shoe at a cabinet minister, have publicly uttered unparliamentary words against a minister or have been a part of a protest march ( kindly note a protest march should never be a peaceful one. What I mean by a protest march is that your facial expressions should convey as if you haven't been to the loo for a while and that you should have challenged your vocal chords so as to reach maximum decibel levels and you must have ignited few posters of the neta against whom you are demonstrating. Better if the fire isn't powerful enough get hold of autorickshaw or a bus and ignite it so that finally the areas police gets its ass moving and gets hold of you. Ensure media coverage.) Yeah..so if you have been a part of such protests so that a party gives you a Lok Sabha ticket you must have certain qualities which will help you survive the initial battle of elections. Who knows you may win. So what are the qualities..There are many. I am listing just a few:

Age: Age should never be on your side. Even if you are a sixty tell that you are a seventy. Cmon birth certificates can be faked. Don't you see almost all the want to be PM's are great grandpas and great grandmoms. You have to sound experienced. You have to let people know that you know the tricks of the trade.

Assets: This is a tricky one. I believe have loads and loads of money. Doesnt matter in what form, just have it. Real estate, jwellery, painting anything just have money. After you become a minister thats the only commodity you will be dealing with. The Aam Aadmi must know that you have experience handling money and their hard earned money is in safe(read unsafe) hand

Rallies: Now is the time to use your skills to apt use. Remember the days when you went for dharnas and protests, shouted at the top of your voice and got all the attention from police and media( the only place where you didnt get any attention was the person against whom you were protesting). Remember all that and know that its your time now. Rule 1..get people for your rallies. Promise liquor, clothes, money anything but ensure a crowd. Bigger the crowd, better the media. Also promise special incentives if they clap or whistle after every fake promise you make. Rule 2 and the most important rally rule when in front of the microphone, know that there is no microphone. Shout, shout even if the mike itself is unable to take it and begging you to stop making its displeasure known through all weird noises coming out of the amplifier. Media: Now this should also be taken care of during rallies, but especially when journalists are pushing each other just to get something spicy from you. Here also there are important things which need attention. Name the most deadly underworld group and let the media know that you have been threatened as you are busy serving people. Public Sympathy comes your way. Also know the name of your competitor and blast him or her apart. Unparliamentary words earn special points.

Security: Always know that your security will show your status. Use media to best use and state that you have been threatened and demand security. Get X,Y,Z whatever you can and then plan. Ask few of your security personnel to be in plain clothes. Then while visiting a village break out of your security cordon and drink tea at a tea stall or visit a temple. People would know that you are fearless and dont worry about your life while serving others. Ensure that the plain clothed personnel are right behind you.

These are few tricks to ensure success in the forthcoming elections. There are others like stay in the limelight(no matter what always stay in the limelight..state any rubbish stuff in front of the camera but do not let media forget you), also try to get hold of a filmstar stating that you are the future. Best of Luck to all our Netas. May the least corrupt win.